Do you ever get in those moods where you just hit a low? And you stay low, for maybe a day or two. Or maybe you’re stuck like that for a good week. You don’t want to leave the house and you cancel plans. Your mental health needs some attention.
This is what Audrey Hepburn was referring to as the “mean reds” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I know it is because I can relate to it. It’s a stronger force than just getting the “blues”, and sometimes there is no reason as to why it’s there. Having just ridden out what has been one, ugly week of listening to my mental cheerleaders encouraging me to get out of bed, spending a several minutes pouring water into what I thought was a saucepan but was actually a steamer, trying to think of a sassy “who do you think you are?!” come back to a message my ex had sent- my week ended on a high. And by high, I mean *note the sarcasm.
I had to take myself to the emergency department in the middle of the night with a bastard of an infection. I sat down in the waiting room daunted that I might be in for a loonnngg wait given there were so many other people there. Instant regret. But there was a small hero. I felt better when the triage nurse let down his (really unsympathetic) wall and sat down with me in the waiting room to give me Neurofen. Cute. He told me I'd just need to wait for antibiotics and I'd be on my way. People kept on coming in through those doors, a cheesed-off guy with a group of his mates looking like he’d been in a punch up, an elderly lady quietly crying out in pain as her husband held her handbag (omg I wanted to cry), and a screaming delusional lady on, well, on something. Was I in a movie? It felt like it.
Surprisingly not long and I was seen by a young doctor. He asked me soooo many questions my 1:30 am mush brain was having trouble keeping up. "It's very common for people in your condition to be experiencing confusion" he said. Bless him, he didn't know that I'm such a nanna and I go to bed early. I thought I just needed to wait around for antibiotics, but the doctors are so thorough there that they asked if I would agree to blood tests first. As much as I felt it wasn't necessary, that was probably the first time in a long time I had taken a step back and just let someone else take care of me. It's a shame the vein they wanted to draw blood from had only been pricked with the giant blood donor needle five days earlier. I thought I could request a vain to the doc like I request tunes to the Lamby's DJ, but of course the vain I wanted to choose was to close to a major artery. Yeah, bit risky. I really felt sorry for my vain at this point.
After my blood test I was told by my doc that there were delays getting the results back. It was going to be a long night. Rough trot, yes? Rougher than others? Absolutely not.
It's strange how you learn sometimes. My situation was unbearable when I was at home, my symptoms put me through absolute hell. But when I was in the hospital it felt bearable. I didn't feel any reason to complain or get frustrated with the situation because I knew I was under the same roof as people whose suffering was far greater than mine. I was looking at a bigger picture, far bigger than my own. My horrible week and this medical cherry on top was beginning to look minuscule.
I’d been apologised to by both doctors who were treating me and the triage nurse who came out the back to see how I was. I was taken aback by how genuine they all were each time in saying so. I guess I had the expectation that hospitals were very busy and everything is a matter of priority and staff had to separate their emotions from their job. But I'm glad that I got to see them as really nurturing.
I do understand how frustrating it can be waiting or not getting the answers you want in the time you want. But my eyes were opened to a different world- the doctors, the nurses, our healthcare professionals are all doing their best with what they have. While we are waiting for answers, they are the ones trying to figure them out, they are waiting with us. Its 3 AM in the hospital they can see you waiting hours on end, they can see you in pain, they have to juggle giving their best care to you along with a ward full of other patients and new casualties coming through the door. They want to send you home healthy, just as much as you want to be. It’s 3 AM mind you, they probably want to be in bed as well, but their natural ability to want to help others is what brings them to you. Everyone's hospital experience will be vastly different (that I know for sure) but mine definitely taught me something valuable.
That was an experience to help me reassess. It distracted me from my rut and the ‘mean reds’ because, literally, the only thing I could do was sit back and observe an environment I’m not normally in. An environment that is plagued with pressure and discomfort just as much as it is workers who want to help you get better. As dreadful as I felt and as much as I wouldn’t want to go there again, I’m grateful for the people who I came into contact with. That night wasn't a pleasant one, but it shook me out of my funk and I finally got to see reality outside my own head.
*If you are currently experiencing mental health issues and/or just need someone to talk to, contact SANE Australia on 1800 18 7263 or visit their online chat at www.sane.org