It can be quite overwhelming learning how to best support someone through their worries. How do we know how to best respond to them and what is it we can do to make them feel safe enough to come to us?
As a society, we tend to put a lot of emphasis on encouraging people to speak up, however, we don’t so much focus on how we can be there for those who do choose to open up to us.
Reaching out and talking about our struggles or asking for help can make us feel uncomfortable. We become uncomfortable because we’re suddenly taken to a place of vulnerability, which a lot of us are taught (or conditioned in some way) to avoid. When we share our vulnerability with another we can only hope that person will be supportive in return.
How can we hold space for others? We can listen, without judgement, without expectation, without bias. How can we be supportive? We can meet people where they are at.
Are you comfortable holding space for another? Are you comfortable suspending your own beliefs about what their situation may look like from the outside and instead, empathise with how their world feels to them? It’s ok if you’re not quite there, but one of the best, most underrated gifts we can ever give someone, is that of making them feel heard.
What can we be mindful of when holding space?
1- Self-awareness. The first question is self-reflective- am I in a good headspace to listen right now? Can I support this person the best I can? It is always beneficial to self-reflect on our own needs first, as we can find it difficult to give our full support to someone when we are struggling ourselves.
2- Ask. What is it this person is seeking from me? How can I best support them? Are they looking for advice? Are they just needing someone to listen? Are they wanting to feel emotionally supported and reassured? It is ok to ask- “how can I best support you through this?” It shows them you genuinely want to help them.
3- It is ok to not know. It is ok to not know what to say and be truthful about that. Let’s be mindful that we can still be helpful by offering other means of support. Such as a hug, a cup of tea or contacts for a professional support service that can provide more in-depth emotional support instead. Always follow up our truth with a heartfelt offering, it shows others we will do what we can to help them.
4- Always acknowledge. Listening and active listening are two very different things. We show we are actively listening by acknowledging how another person's experience may feel to them eg) “That sounds really tough what you’re going through.” Or “I can see this has upset you and I can understand why.” Sometimes we can’t quite understand which is ok too, however, we can always acknowledge that someone is having a hard time. People want to feel heard, it brings us a sense of belonging and connection, both so incredibly important for the state of our mental health.
5- Refrain from making it about you. I’m sure we’ve all been guilty of this. It may be done with good intentions or perhaps something we don’t even realise we are doing. However, turning the conversation back around so it ends up being about you isn’t the best way to show our support.
6- “I’m sorry you feel that way” is not an apology. Let’s try not to say this to people. It instantly places a disconnect between our willingness to understand the emotions involved in the situation, which can make others feel more isolated in their feelings. As mentioned above, it is ok if we don’t understand someone else's situation. It’s a gift of awareness that simply shows us we aren’t the best person to support them and we can find someone else who can.
7- On the other hand, let’s be mindful of emotional dumping. Emotional dumping is when we unleash our venting or even just our life news onto someone else without actually being aware of what mental/emotional state the other person is in themselves. Life is stressful for us all. A quick check-in “How is your day going today? Do you have time to talk?” or “I feel like I need to share something that’s been bothering me, do you have the capacity to listen right now?” is a good way to start.
We confide in those we feel safe to confide in. Those who want to offer us a space to be ourselves. The very last thing we want is to walk away from a vulnerable conversation feeling as though we have shared with the wrong person. It is one thing to feel listened to, but another to actually feel heard.
Fortunately, with time we learn more about our relationships, our needs and we find those we can meet in a deeper connection with. All the while, working on ourselves and how we can best be there for others in return. While it is important we continue to encourage people to speak up, let’s learn more about how we can effectively be there for those who do
Xx
*Previously published on medium.com/@cayliem
Further resources below:
https://www.ruok.org.au/how-to-ask